For the most part, I had been in a pretty good place. I was even feeling like old things I’d left behind or lost were returning. I hadn’t felt so good, so connected to what was around me, in a long time.
And then something happened, something big in the life of a family member, which resonated so much with one of the issues that first started me on this path that some old spiritual (and emotional) wounds were torn wide open again.
Right now, I’m just trying to hold those things closed until they at least scab over. I feel like I could fall apart if I let myself — but I’ve got stuff I need to do, people who depend on me. In short, I don’t have time to fall apart. I’m trying to use that to my advantage, reminding myself that it won’t always feel like this. I’m not necessarily starting all over again, as much as it might feel that way. It hurts now. It hurts in very primal ways, ways that leave me angry and grieving over things that aren’t “supposed” to happen — even though they do, all the time. I’m trying to live with it, acknowledge that it is there, without it eating my spirit whole.
If I let myself think about the possibility of having to start over, of having to re-do 20-some years of trying to get to that happy place I had reached just a few weeks ago, I would sink into utter despair. I probably don’t actually need to go that far or cover that much ground. But it is very hard to see the way back right now.
Prayers, energy, good thoughts — whatever you have, I could sorely use them right now. A sympathetic ear belonging to someone who can tolerate my having some pretty unkind things to say about certain organized religions without taking it as a personal attack on their own faith. The system I was raised in failed me, personally. Revisiting that failure, coming in contact with it again, is what has brought me to this point — and back to posting here, to try to sort it out again.