Happy Hanu-mas-tice!

Ever since I became aware of the idea of other religions with other holidays, there has been part of me that just loves when those holidays coincide or overlap in some way. This is especially true of the winter holidays. I respect that they are all celebrations of different specifics — but there is part of me that also loves the idea of so many people celebrating, all at the same time. To me, that really speaks to what the season means: Being with family and friends. Renewal. Continuance. Candlelight in the darkness. Greenery that survives, or even thrives, when all else is brown and grey and black.

Last night, I spent over an hour in front of the stove, presiding over a pan of peanut oil (as suggested by the SimGod’s cousin’s wife, instead of vegetable oil). I will be keeping an eye on the skyline over the next few weeks, watching for signs to confirm what the calendar says about sunrise and sunset times. I will be spending my first Christmas at home with the SimGod, missing the rest of my family but celebrating nonetheless with a tree and stockings and gifts.

Happy Hanukkah, Blessed Solstice, Merry Christmas, and a lovely new year to you all.

In God’s hands

There are some things I get at an intellectual level, that simultaneously leave me upset, disturbed, or simply astonished and wondering, “What are you thinking?” I find myself thinking about one of them right now; perhaps posting will get it out of my head.

In this case, it’s phrases along the lines of “It’s in God’s hands,” or “God is in control.”

The story goes like this: my boss’ mother just died of cancer. M has been out of the office for the last two weeks, first waiting for her mother to die, and then attending to funeral and bereavement type things. M’s mother has been ill for quite some time, from what I understand; M has taken a week out of every month to go out of state to help take care of her mother since she got here.

Today, one of my coworkers got a card and started passing it around the office. And another one of my more evangelically Christian coworkers signed the card with some variation on the above — I forget which, exactly, at the moment.

I understand, at one level, that this is supposed to be reassuring. It’s supposed to remind the person reading, or hearing, those words, that there’s something bigger than them that is in control, at a time when life feels distinctly out of control or in danger of falling apart at the seams. Intellectually, I get it.

On the other hand…God is in control of M’s mother having cancer? God is in control of M’s mother suffering for so long? These are the sort of things that leave me questioning whether such phrases really are reassuring, or are an example of some of the stupid (though well-intentioned) things people say when someone dies.

Which brings me back to the conflict that I’m still working out for myself, too: simultaneously believing that everyone has the right to their own belief, and that some beliefs (from where I sit, anyway) just don’t make sense to me. I try to be careful to frame it in such a way that it is hopefully understood that the latter is a personal perspective on my part; not a personal judgement of any individual, and certainly not a claim of objectivity. But it’s not always easy to live up to the former, and there’s a little part of me that is…frustrated? maybe even disappointed? with myself for having this internal contradiction. Which is perhaps why things like this rattle around in my head until they get an “out” somewhere.

Um, hi! It seems I’m back from an unintended hiatus. *waves*

…or maybe not?

Of course, the trouble with making a post like my last is that it can’t cover everything. Within hours, and over the next day, I thought of nearly half a dozen things I left out.

Another problem is, some things I am certain of on some days; and on other days, some of those same things are questionable at best.

The Book of Bart is an article I found today. It’s the story of a man who was converted to evangelical Christianity at age 15; he went on to seminary school, and continued to study theology, especially ancient texts, for twelve years. And then, the more he looked at the ancient texts, the more discrepencies he found; and the more they added up, the less he was able to believe what he’d learned as an evangelical, then to the point he ceased to believe anything at all.

He now writes the sort of books I’ve been reading — books that go looking for the truth of the historical facts behind what became the New Testament. The sort of books that, once you read them, you either reject out of hand…or realize there might be something to them, in which case there’s no going back. Even if you hold on to your faith, you have to admit: I could be wrong; this could all be wrong; there might not be One Right Answer, just the right one for me.

There are days I think about calling myself some sort of Christian again. Wanting that stability I grew up with. But having gone so far afield from where I started, I would need some sort of certainty, in both mind and heart. Something that could reconcile faith with reason, with the possibilities. Christianity would have to reinvent itself, I think, before I could comfortably go back to any sort of Christian church. And Florida is probably more likely to get a snowstorm in July, than Christianity admit they might have been wrong about what happened 2000 years ago.

So…back I go. Reading more books, going to my UU church, singing in the choir, and doing a lot of thinking and internal searching.

State of the Seeker

Today is Mardi Gras/Shrove Tuesday/Fat Tuesday, the day before Ash Wednesday and Lent starts. It has been almost three years since I received something of a cosmic clue-by-4 in regards to my spiritual beliefs. As such, it seemed a good opportunity to try to pin down what I’ve learned in the last three years.

The search continues; and that’s OK. There’s nothing wrong with not quite knowing what you believe, as long as you don’t get complacent about it. Never stop learning. No one’s going to feed you the answers; it’s up to you to find the information, one bit at a time. Hold it; study it; question it, until you know if you can accept it or not.

This is what I believe now. It is subject to change, should I discover material that carries another arguement more strongly one way or another.